Everyone has moments when they become a little googly-eyed at the prospect of dating a someone they really like, but what about when you become so obsessed you can’t enjoy the actual relationship, because the ‘obsession’ is taking on a life of its own?
Let’s explore this dynamic.
Oftentimes, when we feel anxiety or a lack of control we will cling more tightly. So if you value a specific relationship you may find yourself obsessing over every detail as you try to manage the instability of the emotions the relationship is dredging up. These uncomfortable emotions often stem from feelings of insecurity about either yourself or the connection you have with the other person.
Maybe you have specific expectations about the relationship that manifest by grabbing onto imaginary timelines or feeling certain behavior criteria need to be met to feel secure such as buying you flowers or calling at specific times. Then when the relationship is not progressing in the way you feel it should be or it is not meeting your expectations of what you think the relationship should ‘look like’ you panic a little and try to figure out how to get it on track.
Either way you start putting a great deal of potentially negative energy into the relationship which can often roll into obsessive thoughts and behaviors.
So how do you stop letting your thoughts get the best of you?
- Become more mindful, meaning be present in your relationship. Do not worry about the future or dwell on the past. Be in the moment. If you are not ‘present’ you cannot connect to your partner in a meaningful way.
- Utilize acceptance in that you accept the relationship ‘as is’, don’t make excuses or try to manipulate outcomes. Just allow the relationship to be what it is.
- Do some inside work, focusing on improving self-acceptance.
- Maintain a sense of balance in your life by keeping up with friendships, hobbies and activities outside of the relationship.
Stacey Shumway Johnson, LPCC-S, LICDC-CS, BCC – www.2xlcoach.com
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