Love can be treacherous. It requires a great deal of vulnerability which tends to place us in a fragile position where we are at greatest risk of being hurt. Because of this, we tend to have high expectations of those we love, to cherish and protect our feelings and wellbeing at all times. So how do we navigate situations when those we love hurt us?
Oftentimes, the easiest method is a direct line of communication.
This can be a tricky proposition for many, especially those who are uncomfortable with confrontation or fear how someone will react to their words. The tendency then often goes towards initiating circular conversations trying to “soften the edges” of seemingly harsh words but often backfires creating misunderstandings from the nuance.
So a well-meaning conversation can go downhill quickly. I like to refer to these moments as ac/dc where you are trying to have one conversation but it is completely misunderstood and your message is not being received in the manner in which you intended.
So how do you approach this situation to get the results you desire?
1. Before engaging a conversation, explore your thoughts and gain clarity into your emotions. What are you feeling and why?
2. Reality-check your thoughts. Are you in a triggered or reactive state? Oftentimes it is best to find ways to soothe yourself or turn down the emotion before engaging in conversations of this nature so you can better communicate your thoughts and avoid conversations turning into arguments.
3. Problem-solve the situation. What could prevent the same situation or issue from happening again? Is there a miscommunication that needs to be cleared up to prevent recurrence?
4. Do not place blame, as this will create a defensive response and the communication will shut down.
5. Refrain from giving ultimatums as this will be met with resistance and your message will be lost.
6. Be open to hearing their perspective.
Once you have filtered through your emotions you will be in a better frame of mind to communicate your thoughts to your partner. Keep your message simple, clear and keep the lines communication open.
Stacey Shumway Johnson, LPCC-S, LICDC-CS, BCC – www.2xlcoach.com
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